Dear Ms. Kloser

Dear Ms. Kloser,

We do not know one another. We've never met, even in passing, which makes sense given that you're a world class freestyle skier, and I routinely slip on the ice in the parking lot of my condo. I saw footage of your run at Sochi during NBC's coverage last night and was saddened to read of your injury this morning. 

I noticed in the news report I was looking over that you asked your father if you were still an Olympian despite crashing and tearing your ACL in what was merely a practice run. While I wouldn't presume to be able to answer your question more meaningfully than your dad, this short note is an attempt to answer on behalf of all of us watching at home in the States.

Damn right, you're an Olympian.  

The Oxford English Dictionary's second definition of "Olympian" is "a competitor in the Olympic Games." I can't help feeling that's not quite complete. 

For all of us who have skated laps around a tile kitchen floor in our socks, you are our definition of an Olympian. 

For all of us who have imagined a rickety plastic toboggan as a red, white and blue bobsled and careened down a backyard hill dreaming of glory, you are our definition of an Olympian. 

For all of us who have jumped for joy during a cul-de-sac street hockey game and shouted out, "Do you believe in miracles?!", you are our definition of an Olympian. 

I know it's no gold medal, but if my wife and I ever have a daughter, I'd like you to know I'll be beyond proud to tell her that young women like Heidi Kloser represent her around the globe in the name of sport and international friendship. Best of luck in your recovery, and I hope to see you in PyeongChang in 2018.

With Respect,

Will Henline
Alexandria, VA

P.S. - The other definition Oxford lists for an Olympian is, "a person of great attainments or exalted position." I think you made it.

Fantasy Fantasy Football Leagues Leagues: A Rite of Passage

There comes a time in every man’s life when he and 9-13 other men build a bond that is unbreakable by career, spouse/significant other, or financial circumstance. Yes, I am speaking of forming a fantasy football league. Fantasy Football Leagues come in many forms. Some last only a short amount of time, persisting only as long as the stalwart players share a common job, college course, or favorite bar. But rarely, when the perfect amounts of smack talk, fandom, and excess free time coalesce, there are some fantasy leagues that blossom into decade long love affairs. These leagues have the power to unite high school and college buddies as they are flung to the farthest corners of the country and the world or to turn “work friends” into “real friends.” Leagues such as these matter more than any other fantasy endeavor, and most really life endeavors, that the men involved will ever pursue.

I am in one such league.

Recently, we decided that it was time to take our league relationship to the next level. And as most fantasy footballers will tell you, decisions like these should not be made lightly. It was time to form a “fantasy-fantasy football league league.” For the uninitiated, this is terminology for when you decide to create a fantasy league about something other than football that all the members of your existing fantasy league will participate in. There are many options here, ranging from Katie Baker’s Fantasy New York Times Wedding Section fantasy league over at the great grantland.com to my high school friends’ Fantasy Celebrity Death League (no, nobody had Qaddafi). With so many options, and so much at stake, these decisions take serious thought …

My first impulse was to base this league on our personal successes and failures as human beings. Each member of the league draft two members of our own fantasy league and then evaluate their successes and failures in life on a weekly basis. Points would be added for things like getting married, having kids, wearing a suit to work, and finally not having to wear a suit to work. While I ultimately rejected this idea, it led to some fun stuff. Here are some examples of some of the players in our league as compared to real-life NFL players (their names are withheld in hopes of protecting the innocent):

PLAYER A – similar NFL player: Hines Ward - breakdown: Just as Ward had a number of infamous blocks that made him feared and respected around the league, Player A isn’t afraid to take cheap shots at this opponents on our league’s message board and at our fantasy commissioner. Just as tough, allegedly dirty, play has marked Ward’s career, Player A’s career has been consistent as well, as devious behavior earned his the nickname of “little weasel” in middle school.

PLAYER B – similar NFL player: J.T. O’Sullivan – breakdown: J.T., who is somehow still in the NFL, has played for 11 NFL teams, just as PLAYER B has embarked on at least as many careers / degrees in his life, as he holds degrees in chemistry, German, and film, and has lived in no less than five cities in as many years. Just as we always hope O’Sullivan is finally going to settle into a team, we keep hoping PLAYER B’s wanderlust calms down and he stops sleeping on friends’ couches.

PLAYER C – similar NFL player: Frank Gore – breakdown: I’ve never really talked to PLAYERS C or Frank Gore.

This idea quickly came to an end however, when I realized that I would probably be the last draft pick, for the following reasons:

- I live with my sister, and am 25 years old (- 9 ADP)

- I am single (-2 ADP)

- I work a retail job while trying to be a “writer”

- I sleep in a living room (-4 ADP)

- I am trying to be paid to be an artist (-7 ADP)

- I eat too many sweets (-3 ADP)

So then it was back to the drawing board. We next arrived at the Fantasy Football Players Father’s Fantasy League, which included such scoring as follows:

+1 point for wearing sweat pants to a nice restaurant

+1 for wearing cut off jean shorts

+3 for every week of the season father maintains best moustache in the league

+2 for wearing croakies when not at the beach or while playing baseball

+1 for every time Fox News is referred to as “real news” or “the truth”

This one was problematic as none of us live with our parents anymore, so our scoring would be rather inaccurate. So, again, it was back to the drawing board. After much deliberation and soul searching, we found an ideal facetious fantasy league for us to participate in. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you …

Rednecks Fantasy Football Players went to High School with Fantasy Redneck Lifestyle League!

Our league is comprised almost entirely if alumni of Kennard-Dale High School in the southern end of York County Pennsylvania. Nestled in the throbbing heart of Pennsyltucky, our home went 99% for George W. Bush (the second time), has a nationally renowned chapter of the Future Farmers of America, and has a saddening history of racism. So, yes, the redneckery is … palpable.

Here’s how it works: you submit 3 names of rednecks and/or white trash “players”, with whom we went to high school for at least one year (many of them do not finish); they will comprise your team. Points are calculated and detracted based on items gleaned from said rednecks’ facebook profile in the last week. There are two categories in which one can gain points. Below are some examples of point bonuses and subtractions, but the list is by no means exhaustive:

Photo Category:

Bonuses (Gettin’ ‘r Done) - Facebook picture contains the following:

+3 Drinking a beer while operating a motor vehicle

+1 That vehicle is a four wheeler

+1 Player is on said four wheeler with a spouse/significant other

+3 Drinking a beer with young child in tow

+1 unnecessary displays of patriotism

+1 Gratuitous Tractor in picture

+1 Drinking in a kiddie pool

+1 residue from “mud boggin’” evident on vehicle

+1 per article of camouflage clothing in picture

+2 per camouflage beer coozie in picture

+1 per tribal / Chinese character / barbed wire tattoo in picture

+1 for douchey graphic tee (+1 if UFC/MMA shirt)

and the Status/Wall post Category:

+1 for critiquing how low class one’s co-workers are, +2 if critiquing them while defending oneself from similar criticism … Ex.“FYI: It is inappropriate to look like you're going to the club when you are at work...”

+1 one for mentioning how much you love your child, +3 if defending self and/or critiquing the baby mommy/daddy, +2 if player makes advances towards other men/women in said status … Ex.“Ima single father now. Im gna do wat needs to be done for my son. It wouldnt hurt to have someone to hold at night either. loltxt it if u wanna chat.”

+1 for Nascar, Wrestling or MMA references, +2 if it is a bit too intimate for comfort … Ex. “Go Richard Childress, someone needs to put Kyle Busch in his place. If its gotta be anyone, Mr. Childress is the one to do it. Lol”

+1 when you just know it deserves a point … Ex. “Only in Delta you see a guy riding in the back of a U-Haul with the door open...”

+5 if player begins a relationship with someone with whom they went to high school, +5 if engaged, +5 if married, +25 if divorced.

And just as in our real fantasy game there are …

Scoring Penalties (Not Gettin’ ‘r Done)

-1 for mentioning books or news, unless in a negative context, then +2 ex. “I read the news today, and remembered why I stopped...”

-3 if no grammatical errors

-2 if rules of social networking are adhered to (i.e. correct use of a hashtag, demonstrates grasp of new technology, i.e. “the cloud”, demonstrates love/understanding of a technology company: Amazon, Google, et al.)

-2 for “liking” anything associated with “Blue State”-ness or intellectualism (Europe, 30 Rock, HBO (Except True Blood), sushi, brunch, red wine not in a box, Kafka, diversity, etc.) ex. “Bored out of my mind. Who wants to drive me to Wegman's so I can get sushi?”

And so, that is how it came to pass that our Fantasy Football League transcended into Fantasy Nirvana and became a true Fantasy Fantasy Football League League. I do not share this with you in order to brag or boast, but merely in hopes that I may show others to the promised land.

Humbly Yours,

Brenden Gallagher

Brenden Gallagher is a director and producer of video and web content with Beer Money Productions as well as a freelance writer.

Welcome To The Game...

We've all had our moments of remembered stardom on the playground. The backyard no-hitter you threw against the neighbor's kids. Those six goals that made you the Lionel Messi of cul-de-sac soccer. The ONE time that, against all odds, you managed to head fake your much taller friend and drain a jumper as smooth as Ray Allen's. (Sorry, Myron, it happened.) We all love pick up games because they give us a chance to shine where we otherwise wouldn't or couldn't.

And so, in that spirit, we've started Pick Up Games. Our goal is to talk about what we want to talk about, and hopefully what you want to read. Yeah, we've got some baseball guys, and yeah, we've got some football guys (as well as basketball, soccer, hockey, wrestling and MMA)...but that doesn't mean we won't try our hand at tennis or golf. Hell, we may even write about cricket if you spot us ten minutes to look it up on Wikipedia first.

We look forward to starting an all in, all out conversation about what's going on in sports. It's not gonna be polished or pre-processed by some multi-national conglomerate. It's straight up pick up. Let your big man swing out to the wing. Let the fat kid line up in the backfield. And let the games begin.